Fat Chick

Tumbling Down the Rabbit Hole

2012-01-29T06:58:00.000-08:00

I've started a Tumblr dedicated to Thick Chicks. It's mostly just fun spending all my time searching Tumblr for attractive curvy ladies to reblog. Yeowza! there are some hot ladies out there!

http://thickchicklove.tumblr.com/

This Isn't a Teen Movie, This is Real Life!

2011-05-19T00:23:00.000-07:00

I was bullied relentlessly in elementary and high school. One of my most painful memories was played out in grade 3; the other children in my class invented a game where if someone touched me they would yell "Sarah fleas! Pass them on!" I stopped letting people touch me. I've pushed that memory to the far back of my mind because it still makes me cry to think about it. I still have issues with people touching me, the bullying I met with in school led me to self-mutilation (which I've written about before) and I've never forgot those feelings. I've carried a life time's worth of emotional scars because of the treatment I received at the hands of my peers.

I was bullied physically on occasion for no good reason I could ascertain. I was teased for being fat, for having big boobs at a young age, for being weird, for being smart, for being poor, and for not dressing right. I never felt like I had friends in school leading to a very isolated existence for me that I have further manifested in my adult life. I still tend to cut myself off from others because I assume they don't like me or don't want me around. Luckily I was never bullied for being queer because as a bisexual I could pass as straight, but I deeply hid the feelings I had for other women and felt great shame about those feelings. If anyone had found out I would have been bullied for that as well.

At 16 I decided that if I was going to be an outsider anyways I would take it all the way and I went hard-core Goth. This was no small accomplishment considering I lived in a town of 700 people that had no clothing stores, no record stores and there was no subculture for me to connect with. But I watched a lot of MuchMusic (Canadian MTV which was culturally relevant when I was a teenager), read every tattoo, metal, and music magazine I could find, read every Poppy Z. Brite book, listened to a lot of Marilyn Manson and Nine Inch Nails and shopped in thrift stores until I built a subculture in my small home town that consisted of... well... just me. Sometimes being Goth made me feel invincible, like 'go ahead, tease me now, I can take it.' The social isolation and teasing didn't stop, but at least I felt like there was a culture out there somewhere I could connect with someday.

I wonder where children learn this behavior from. Why do they feel the need to torture each other? Are they learning it from their parents? From the culture? From society in general? How do we stop it? No one ever stood up for me and I certainly didn't feel empowered to stand up for myself as a frightened teenager. I do have one story of an instance when someone did do something... A couple of girls came to school dressed like me all in black with black make-up with signs on their backs that said something snarky about being Goth and spent the day teasing me about being weird. The principle of the school noticed (my high school had 120 students, not hard to notice), hauled the girls into the office and reprimanded them for their behavior. He then asked me to come into the office and told me they had no right to do what they did and he would protect my right to look however I wanted. He stood up for me. While other kids in other schools were getting tossed out for dressing Goth or having dress codes forced on them, my principle stood up for me. I never forgot that.

So I think the point of me writing this all down was to point out that we need to stop bullying. Whether it's an attack on someone's weight, race, gender, sexuality, or anything else it needs to stop. Through the magic of Facebook some of the kids who bullied me, who are now adults, have contacted me via FB and apologized for their behaviors but that doesn't mean I still don't carry around the scars of that past. We need to stop bullying before it even happens so the kids who are growing up now don't have to have those scars. We need to stand up for kids now; we need to teach our kids to be tolerant of people's differences, we need to make sure we are not teaching kids to hate based on gender, race, body type and sexuality. I may have escaped my childhood relatively intact but a lot of kids don't and take their lives because of the hate they face. We got to tell kids it will be okay and that someone out there cares about them. That someone will stand up for them. It will get better. I swear.

An Exercise in Self-Love

2011-05-03T23:02:00.000-07:00

I have a mission for my readers, a little exercise in self-confidence you might call it. Most women spend a significant portion of their day looking in a mirror and assessing themselves. Usually negatively. I suspect a number of men do as well but not with same venom and fervor that women seem to. We really hate our bodies. Size doesn't even necessarily come into it. I've seen girls that could barely weigh 90 lbs hate on their bodies in front of a mirror.

It's not just weight we hate ourselves about either. It's our skin, our hair, our breasts, our asses, our pores, our complexion, our eyelashes-- every possible imperfection that we can ferret out and examine up close in the mirror. The mirror becomes an enemy with an ever-assessing eye hunting down flaws and forcing us to dwell on them. The mirror is telling us we are not the fairest in the land but is saying 'you're ugly and everybody knows it'.

I suspect this has a lot to do with beauty culture and a society that measures personal value based on attractiveness and consumer buying power. The beauty industry wants you to feel bad about your looks so you will buy their super amazing new de-uglying product! Look, isn't it amazing! The fact of the matter is the beauty industry wants your money and making you feel like crap is a good way to get it.

Unfortunately what has happened in our Western capitalist driven society is we have seriously internalized a hatred for our own bodies. I'm just as guilty of these negative behaviours as the next person. I stand in the mirror and focus on things I don't like. I wish my tummy was smaller. I change outfits multiple times because I think I look too fat in something. I look in every reflective surface I walk by assessing if I look awful. I constantly worry that other people are judging me on how I look.

It's time we made an effort to stop this negative treadmill of self-hatred. So here's my mission for you. You MUST spend at least 10 minutes a day looking in a mirror. You are NOT allowed to focus on anything negative about your body. You are NOT allowed to think a bad thought about any part of yourself for those 10 minutes. You are to focus on something you like. Even if it's just one little insignificant thing like 'I like my eyes'. For ten minutes a day focus on something you like about your appearance. I'm betting over a period of time as you do this practice you will start to notice other things you like about yourself. Like hey I got pretty nice cheekbones. Or hey I have a nice smile. Or hey I got great breasts! And maybe... just maybe this will cause a positive thought waterfall and you will start to feel better about your appearance and feel more self-confident. Maybe the mirror can stop being your enemy and go back to being a reflective device you use make sure you don't have a booger hanging out of your nose instead of the all powerful beauty and self-worth meter. Maybe... just maybe you will start to like yourself...

Now I'm not saying this is gonna suddenly fix a life time of societal capitalist-induced body hatred but I think it's a start. A way to stop judging yourself so harshly and to build self-confidence. And by the way, throw away your scale too. It's not helping either.

Tips on Getting Nekkid

2011-04-17T23:42:00.001-07:00

As many of my friends and enemies know (as do my loyal readers) I am a rather frequent nudist. Now nudity isn't something all large women and men are particularly comfortable with. The majority of nudes we see in our present society are in movies, porn or artist photographs; the bulk of these feature thin people frequently with medical enhancements. Doesn't make us thick-inclined types so sure anyone wants to see us naked and instills an internalized fear of our own nude bodies.

I was very shy about showing my body as a teenager as most teenagers are. As an adult, I have slowly but surely become more comfortable with my body and showing it off. Of course, burlesque dancing was a part of that as I am now addicted to stripping on stage but also going to nude beaches, living with partners that enjoyed being nude at home, and posing for nude photos has helped in the process of becoming a naked skin lover.

I thought I might impart some of my tips for getting naked to the those newly discovering their bodies. I started posing for nude photos a few years ago and promptly decided the photos were too nice to hide. So I posted them on the internet for everyone and their dog to see. I have been amazed at the positive response they have garnered. I have found my photos reposted on blogs all over the world and have thousands of hits on my DeviantArt account.

Some tips I've learned for photographic nude posing:

1) Only work nude with photographers you know and feel comfortable with.
2) It's okay to bring a non-interfering chaperon with you (if a photographer won't let you do this than s/he is up to no good).
3) Try lots and lots of poses to find out which work best for you.
4) Try to feel natural and relaxed. A relaxed environment really helps.
5) Don't be afraid to experiment.
6) If you don't feel comfortable getting completely nude, try partial or implied nudity.
7) Pamper yourself before the shoot; exfoliate, shave, moisturize- have your skin looking it's best since you are going to show it off.
8) Don't fake tan, it doesn't look good on film.
9) Do something fabulously sexy with your hair and make-up.
10) Warm up to getting buck naked if you've never done it before (at this point in my nude posing career I pretty much get naked right away and stay naked until we are done shooting).
11) Make sure to bring a comfy robe.
12) If the studio is cold ask the photographer to have a heater. Goosebumps don't look good on film.
13) If you are shooting outdoors nude; have a car near by that you can jump into to warm up and even better; somewhere near by you can go for a hot shower if the weather is a little nippy (learned this shooting nude in frigid coastal waters... brrrrr....).
14) Don't wear your bra, socks or undies and wear lose fitting clothing to the shoot; if you don't you will have clothing lines that take at least 20-30 minutes to come out.
15) Have fun!

If you don't want to do a professional nude shoot, I do suggest taking a few nude photos at home by yourself or with your partner. I think it's a great way to get comfortable in your own skin and to realize there is nothing hideous about your naked body. At the very least, try spending a day naked at home even if no one will see you. Take a nap naked, read a book naked, watch TV naked (just be sure to draw the blinds or you will give your neighbors a show)-- after all that go look at yourself in the mirror naked and say "Hey! I look pretty good!". Don't focus on the parts of your body you don't like; focus on the parts you do like.

Go on... Go for a little naked stroll... I'll bet it'll make you feel pretty darned good. Trust me. I'm a nudist! And nudist have nothing to hide.

Photo by Louis Li

A Fat Rant.

2011-03-13T00:48:00.000-08:00

I Promise Not To Ignore You Anymore!

2011-02-12T01:39:00.000-08:00

Well, poor blog o' mine; I have been neglecting you lately. Frankly, I've been a little on the busy side and sleeping has become a favorite past time of mine. As for the busy, VaVa Vunderbust and I relaunched the Cabaret of Copious Curves this January to a raucous appreciative audience and played host to some really amazingly creative curvy ladies from Seattle, Victoria and of course from our hometown, Vancouver! I gotta say, it was just amazing balls to be backstage with an all plus-size revue of awesome happy ladies just having a good time. No one saying "Do I look fat in this?" Just a lot of positive energy and "Damn! You look hot! Rock that body!" You know girls, when we really want to, we can pull together and really gain some power from each other!

I've also had the serious work of starting my PhD studies. At this point I am completing my course work, working as a TA and will soon be moving into my comprehensive exams. It's a lot of work of course but I've always found academia to by my happy place (I may be a little weird in the head, I admit). I have a hard time focusing on or feeling happy doing one thing all the time like working in an office. Being an academic means I'm always learning something new, or teaching something new, or working on a new project so it bodes well for me. God, now that I think about it, I've spent the better part of my life in school; I went right out of high school into 6 years of a double undergrad, spent a year working as a mental health advocate on Vancouver's Downtown Eastside, went back and spent 2 years getting my Masters, then spent a year working as a project coordinator for a Health Services educational project and have now committed to at least another 5 years to achieve my PhD. Mostly I'm just looking forward to the day that I get to be Dr. Curves, professor of sexy times!

I was also taking a break from burlesque due to increasing issues with my illness which were crippling me as far as wanting to leave my apartment, interact with other people, etc etc... You know, the easy stuff! :P My condition is actually doing better now thanks to medication and medical interventions so I'm trying to do more shows and get my face back on the scene. Even though I wasn't performing much over the last year I was still getting out to lots of shows and harboring all my twisted little ideas and inspirations in my freaky mind. New numbers are in the works and will slowly be leaking out onto a stage near you soon!

TTFN (ta ta for now) my internet lovers,
I'll be seeing you soon! ;)
Corvetta Curves xoxo

Photo by David Denofreo

More Fun Than Should Be Legally Allowed!

2010-12-14T02:04:00.000-08:00

Watch this space!

MM & ON's Friday Spectacular presents:

THE CABARET OF COPIOUS CURVES Part II - 2011 Edition

The Cabaret of Copious Curves has been bubbling away all year long with ideas and will be coming back to East Van on Friday, January 21st, @ the WISE Hall. We had so much delight with the first edition that we couldn't resist bringing you more good times!

Once again this year, we'll be putting on a copious display of Vancouver and beyond's curvy burlesque cabaret talent! It's gonna knock your socks off!!!!

This is an event showcasing big, bold, beautiful bodies au naturel. For us, having performers representing the above average beauty and talent that is the voluptuous burlesque community is of personal importance. We are both full-figured women who have come to acknowledge that for us 'fat' needn’t be a dirty word or term of ridicule, even if it is used that way by society. All body shapes and sizes are beautiful and deserve a place in the spotlight.

And in the spotlight they will be! Singing, dancing, big, bold burlesque! A showcase of curves and the best talent Vancouver has to offer!

More details coming soon.
Ticket info and performers TBA

Copious Curve Blog
Facebook Event Listing

xo VaVa Vunderbust & Corvetta Curves
Co-Producers

My Underwear Under There

2010-11-07T22:42:00.000-08:00

I gotta say one of the toughest things about being a curvy woman is trying to find decent underwear and lingerie. I adore cute undies and sexy bras. I buy lingerie obsessively even though I tend to enjoy going nude at home. I just can not resist those silky, lacey underthings. They make you feel so sensual when they lay against your skin and nothing perks up a bad day for me like buying sexy or cute undies.

Of course, these same items of joy are a site of incredible frustration as well. Lingerie shops like La Senza and Vie en Rose fill their windows with bras and panties I desperately want to buy. Red lace, black satin, oh how I want you! But when I step into the store I am greeted by an array of small sizes and bras that don't come in larger than a C cup... Disappointment! I truck over to Sears and the Bay and yes they have larger sizes! If you don't mind wearing beige contraptions that seem to resemble some sort of hardware trussing device. Ugly doesn't cover it... it's just such a let down. I want pretty things! Not these beige monstrosities! My boobs deserve to look pretty too!

I luck out sometimes. A few designers have caught on that curvy women like to look pretty too. The Delta Burke and Marilyn Monroe lines come in plus sizes and have some very sexy stuff... but they are hard to find in Vancouver. I have to troll Winner's on a regular basis for those lovely finds. Pennington's comes out with some pretty things but their line is limited and I wish they would expand it. I frequently buy bras probably a size or two smaller than I should just so I can buy the few pretty DD bras that exist. Being a burlesque dancer, I don't mind if my cleavage spills out a little more than it should. I sort through racks and racks at thrift and second hand stores for that one plus size lingerie find.

I know there are a few great designers here in Vancouver who will make custom bras which is a great idea but generally out of my price range right now. I am a student after all. I don't exactly have a lot of capital. There are some great on-line plus-size lingerie sites like Hips and Curves but the customs charges to get things sent to Canada is a little ridiculous. Don't even get me started on how hard it is to find plus-size sexy stockings and cute print nylons!

I do manage to have a pretty good collection of undies and lingerie but bras are still difficult. I always have a hard time finding a pretty bra for a costume. More designers are realizing women come in all sizes and we want to look pretty but it's slow progress. You still have to hunt for the good stuff and lament the racks and racks of A and B bras in fantastic colours and fabrics while you fight the onslaught of beige undies. I dream of a world where sexy bras and panties come in a range of sizes for all!

Focus on Art

2010-10-26T13:46:00.000-07:00

Hey folks, I spend a lot of time on DeviantArt (DA) which is a great community website for artists of all types. I put up a lot of my photos there. I also spend my time searching out great art and especially artists who depict curvy girls in a beautiful way.

So today I am going to feature Angela who goes by the handle blightedangel on DA. You can check out her DA page here... http://blightedangel.deviantart.com/ Her art is just adorable!

Here are some of my favorites:

Keep up the great work Angela!
xoxo Corvetta Curves

Making Use of My Cleavage

2010-10-16T02:21:00.000-07:00

I have come to realize I have never really written about what it is like to be a burlesque dancer in this blog. I should address this omission... or undress it as the case may be...

I discovered burlesque through psychobilly music (a punk-influenced version of rockabilly). A friend of mine played in a local band that had burlesque dancers as a main part of the act. Going to their gigs were some of the first times I saw burlesque dancers perform; burlesque slowly crept into my life after that. I was a hard-line goth previous to my introduction to burlesque and Dita Von Teese was starting to get popular after her marriage to Marilyn Manson. I remember that his tour around that time featured her and other burlesque performers (I, however, was too goth or too metal or something for that show and opted to go to the Cradle of Filth death metal concert that night). Anyways, burlesque was starting to creep into the mainstream and I was noticing it.

The rise of pin-up style started to influence my own style as I began to combine pin-up and goth and I started to attend more burlesque shows. I made a few friends in the scene. At one of my first Screaming Chicken shows I won a scholarship to their "Becoming Burlesque" series of classes which included dance instruction, styling tips, costuming, industry guidance, choreography and culminated in a full public stage show. On May 2, 2007 after 6 weeks of classes I took the stage for the first time at the ANZA Club; with gut-clenching nervousness I danced my ass off and found a new creative outlet. Corvetta Curves was born and baptized in the applause of a packed house that night.

I started my Master's degree that fall and started performing once every couple of months, mostly for benefit gigs. I worked as a research assistant for a professor of transgender studies and ended up producing my first show as I became the event planner for a performance cabaret night to end a large conference on transgender studies the professor was organizing. It was a struggle planning my first show when I was so new to the industry but through the grace of many dedicated volunteers and a little ingenuity on my part I launched a show to a full house of conference-attending academics that included burlesque performers, circus performers, gender queer performance artists, drag queens and kings, and a host of other interesting people. I was amazed that I managed to pull it all off and was told by the professor I organized it for that she could tell it was a big hit by the number of hook-ups the show inspired that night. Turns out academics really can cut lose... go figure.

Over the last 3 and half years I have started performing more regularly, have become a regular performer with Screaming Chicken, now sit on the board of directors for Screaming Chicken, have produced a second show with Vava Vunderbust that highlighted the talents of rubenesque performers (the successful Cabaret of Copious Curves), performed at the last two Vancouver International Burlesque Festivals, and have seen the Vancouver burlesque scene really explode in a shower of talented performers and personalities. This time of course hasn't been all gin and roses, I have had my issues being a burlesque dancer but I think I will talk about that in another post.

Burlesque has been a creative outlet for me. A space where I can combine the intellectual, the comical, the erotic and the sexy all on stage in front of a growing fan base. I am certainly no Dita Von Teese, but I work it in my own way and try to own the stage when I get the chance to strut my stuff. I don't see this career ending for me any time soon and I will continue to throw my boobs in the face of the establishment as long as there is a platform for me to do so creatively.

The graduating class of May 2007!

Self-Mutilation

2010-09-15T15:11:00.001-07:00

This entry is going to stray into some very personal and fairly painful material for me. I guess I am going to come out publicly as a self-mutilator in an attempt to make other people understand what it means. Self-mutilators are pretty darn misunderstood.

It's been something I have struggled with since I was 13 years old. I have large burn scars on my arms that will never go away. I preferred burning over cutting although I did cut myself as well. I have it fairly under control now that I'm older, but that's not to say that when I'm very upset I do not fall back into old patterns and frequently the urge is pretty fucking strong. It doesn't happen very often now and I manage to keep from scarring myself; but it's still there and always will be... Just like the scars... There are a lot more women, girls (and men) out there that are mutilators than you might think...

My mother spotted the burns on my upper arm when I was about 16. They were big, scabbed over ugly looking things. I generally kept a shirt on so no one saw them but my mother walked in on me changing. I had been burning and cutting myself for years by that point. She was angry that I would do something like that to myself. She threatened to take me to a burn ward and make me explain to burn victims why I would do something so terrible to myself. I don't think she really understood the deeper psychological issues that drives someone to self-mutilation.

Self-mutilators do not usually want to kill themselves. They aren't necessarily doing it as a cry for help. Most self-mutilators hide what they are doing. I would say that self-mutilation has a number of factors that are different for each individual. For me it was a combination of deep socially-rooted dislike of my body, depression, emotional overload, and isolation. I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere... not at school, not with my peers... I was a fat smart weird chick who felt very lonely and the only way I could live through that internalized pain was to live it in a very external way. I don't think I ever felt suicidal when I was doing this but I sure as hell wanted to feel something else; anything else; than the deep emotional pain I was feeling.

I talked to a psychiatrist years ago about the issue and she agreed it was a way to live out internal pain on the outside of your body. It was a way to get that pain out and live it in a physical way. Sometimes I think it was the only thing that kept me alive; or kept me from falling into a spiraling emotional abyss and never coming out. I made a psychological pain into a physical pain I could deal with. I'm not saying it's a particularly healthy way to deal with things but it was the only way I could survive some very dark times in my life...

I want to say if you know a young girl or boy who is self-mutilating; don't chastise them or make them feel guilty about what they are doing. They are doing it because of deep emotional pain that they can not find another way to deal with. They aren't doing it to make you feel bad or to try and guilt you into sympathy. They are doing it because they lack other options of dealing with their body issues, emotional pain and isolation. I think a better option would be to try and understand what is going on in their lives to drive them to that option. Support and understanding will go a lot further in the efforts to bring someone out of the isolation and fear that serious depression can bring on.

I hope disclosing this will help a few people feel a little less alone out there and maybe shine a small light on the fact that there is something seriously wrong with our society as a whole if this is how a lot of people feel they have deal with their emotions...

Letters to Celebrities

2010-09-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Jennifer Hudson;

Please stop going on TV to promote Weight Watchers. You are making other women feel bad about their bodies as you state the only way to feel good about yourself is to be thin. Never mind that you are a successful actress and singer... you are suggesting only thinness can make you worthwhile as a human being and a woman. We used to view you as a positive curvy role model. We thought you were beautiful in your curvy-ness and we loved you. Now we feel like you have sold out to Hollywood pressures and are selling out your sisters in the meantime.

Love;
A Disappointed Public

Dear Queen Latifa;

You are my hero! You continue to fly in the face of Hollywood ideals and rock your curves. You may have even done a few weight loss commercials but you opened them with stating you were not trying to get thin but get more healthy which did not mean dropping large amounts of weight. You started out in hip hop when it was completely dominated by men and made a name for yourself on your terms without becoming a hyper-sexualized fantasy object. Keep up the good work!

Love;
All The Women Who Adore You

Dear RuPaul;

Can I borrow some of your outfits?

Love;
Corvetta Curves

Ghost Stories from the Disturbed

2010-08-23T22:35:00.000-07:00

I believe in ghosts. I always have. I grew up in a family that was not religious but certainly had occult leanings. My mother always had a large collection of books in her library on the occult, UFOs, and other strange happenings. She is also an avid Bigfoot enthusiast. My great aunt is a wicked tarot reader with frightening accuracy and I have an 18th century ancestor who was rumored to have been stoned to death in England for being a witch.

My mother, grandmother, great aunt, and I have often sat around over a cup of coffee with cookies and shared our ghost encounters. My grandmother lived in a house that used to have an invisible visitor who would climb the creaky stairs every night. My great aunt had something making a terrifying other-worldy noise run at her through tall grass. My mom’s present house is inhabited by a ghost who turns lights on and off as well as opens and closes doors. The homestead my mother also lives on is very near the site of a mass grave of First Nations people who died in an small pox epidemic in the early pioneer days and in the spring you can sometimes here children laughing in the distance even though the closest home is much too far away to hear anything from (my mom lives on a extremely remote rural farm).

As for my own personal ghost stories, as a young child of about 4 years old we lived in a very old red barn-shaped house just outside of my home town. I lived there with my two younger brothers and parents. My mother has a few of her own ghost stories from this house and says it was very haunted. My very earliest memories were of this home and one of the most vivid was my nightly excursions inside the walls after I drifted off to sleep. Every night I went into walls as I slept and roamed around with ‘somebody’. I used to tell my mother about it when I woke up and she would assume it was the imagination of a child. Until she asked what was in the walls and I told her that there was ‘sawdust and stuff’. What was strange about this was that the house was old and had been insulated with sawdust instead of the pink or yellow fiber insulation that is used in houses now. We moved from that house when I was 5 and I remember being very disappointed and a little confused as to why I didn’t go into the walls in my sleep anymore.

I also have the very vivid memory from the same house of waking up in the middle of the night and looking down onto my bed from the ceiling where ‘someone’ with invisible arms was cradling me. I remember feeling very safe but thinking ‘oh why am I up here?’ and falling back asleep.

My more frightening ghostly encounter comes years later when I lived in the house I grew up in, where I lived pretty much on my own when I was 17. I lived with my dad but he was away working most the time. I usually left the bathroom light on at night which was next to my bedroom when I went to sleep and the light shone down the hallway past my door which I left open. I was asleep one night and suddenly woke into a state of what is called wakeful or lucid dreaming where you are awake but still asleep and paralyzed. As I looked towards the illuminated hall a dark figure was hunched in my doorway. I quickly snapped awake in a state of terror to find nothing there and my heart beating a million miles per hour.

I’ve had other ghostly experiences and even had a poltergeist for awhile who moved things around when I wasn’t looking and once shut the light off in my bedroom when I fell asleep with it on. My last few homes have been devoid of spirits and I haven’t seen a ghost in a long while. This, however, does not diminish my belief in them and I’m sure we have all had an experience that we just can not quite logically explain away.

No Haters Allowed

2010-08-15T13:03:00.000-07:00

I've made a decided effort over the last few years to be less judgmental of the women around me. Being part of the Goth scene made it a little difficult; as a subculture we love our catiness and DRAMA! Other scenes I have made brief appearances in are much the same. I think as humans, we are simply wired to be a little on the judgmental side. I'm sure even when we were all living in caves and drawing on the walls we were judging each other on what animal skins we wore.

I think sometimes people equate pro-fat with anti-skinny and that is something I really do not endorse. I do feel pro-fat in a way that challenges the societal norms, not a way that degrades other women (or men). I have no problem with thin women. I do have a problem if you are making unhealthy choices and damaging yourself to remain thin.

I think what can make some pro-fat women feel very anti-skinny is that some thin women and a society that values them can make us feel pretty fucking bad about ourselves. I've heard thin women say behind my back, "Who does that fat chick think she is? Wearing that?!" It's often hard not to return that kind of judgment in spades. You can never be too rich or too thin, right? Society would have us believe that and pit us against each other.

I think from the time we are children, women especially are programmed to be judgmental against other women. Why else would we be so horrifically torturous of each other in grade school. The most cruelty I ever experienced based on my appearance and weight was visited upon my by other little girls when I was young. Obviously they were learning those behaviors from somewhere, and mostly likely it was a learned behavior picked up from watching how adults interact.

Those kind of interactions led to some pretty destructive behavior on my part. Constantly feeling judged on my appearance led me to start dieting when I was 13 and eventually it got to the point when I was starving myself silly, downing handfuls of diet pills, and exercising myself to exhaustion all in an effort to be thin for my graduation and remove the judgment of my peers. No matter how thin I got I never felt that judgment disappear. Nothing about me was right. I felt like someone was always staring at some part of my body that was wrong and judging me for it. My self destructive behavior and the judgment I felt led to severe depression, isolation and eventually self-mutilation.

As I've gotten older (and hopefully wiser) I began to address my own judgments on others and their decisions. I realized that if I didn't want to be judged negatively, I needed to try not to judge other women on their appearances and choices. It's not always easy, I mean we live in a very judgmental society that places a huge pressure on women and value on appearance. And it's really hard not to get angry when someone judges me negatively because of my choices or appearance.

But I guess the best advice I have for this whole dilemma comes from my mother... "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!"

Crazy Cat (And Maybe A Bunny) Lady

2010-07-21T15:55:00.001-07:00

I love cats! My cat's name is Midnight and he is twenty pounds of black meowing fury! Actually he mostly just sleeps these days, but still he does it with fury! I've had Midnight for 8 years now and he is the best cat ever (even if he does stick his nose into my face to wake me up before I want to get up and steals my pillow). I even have a stylized tattoo of him on my arm. It's a really nice tattoo. Yesterday, on the way home I was standing at the bus stop listening to my mp3 player, reading my recently bought comic book and milling around inside my head when a lady tapped me on the shoulder and said 'I wanna see!' She proceeded to tug down my sleeve so she could see the black cat on my arm and pet the tattoo while squealing 'Very pretty kitty!" Apparently I'm not the only one who likes cats...

I used to have another cat, Andy, whom I acquired shortly after Midnight. Andy was the most timid cat I had ever owned. Anyone who visited me had no idea I had two cats because Andy would hide the instant anyone came through the door (whereas Midnight is the biggest cuddle-bug you ever met). I would find Andy squished behind the bookcase, wedge behind the fridge and stuffed into a 3 inch gab between the bed and the wall on different visitor occasions. I had to give him up two years ago when my apartment was basically condemned and I needed to find somewhere new to live quickly. Vancouver landlords apparently hate pets and trying to find an apartment in my price range that allowed 2 cats was next to impossible. Andy was getting to the point that he hated living with me anyways... he didn't like living with another cat and never really bonded with me. Thankfully, Andy went to live with a fellow burlesque dancer's (Joanie Goyza's) mom, who from all accounts, spoils the heck out of him. I still feel guilty about giving him away but I know he went to a good home.

I love dogs too! I grew up with both cats and dogs. My dad always used to say that he was living on a farm with all the cats, dogs and pigs (the pigs being in reference to me and my brothers which wasn't far from the truth). We had a wonderful dog growing up named Trouble; my mom got him when I was 5 and he died when I was 17. He was a Hungarian sheep dog called a Komondor and basically looked like a giant drooling mop. He, along with our Australian Terrier, Scrapper, accompanied us on many of our childhood adventures and drooled on us a lot. He used to scare the hell out of people because he would smile at you; which meant he would pull his lips back and show his teeth. People would think he was about to bite but really he was just smiling to say hi! He also picked up the habit from watching us of wanting to hold our hand when we walked anywhere; and the only way he could do this was to put your hand in his mouth. He didn't bite, he just held your hand as you walked. It was a very drooly experience.

I'm really just an animal kinda person... I like them all (except for spiders... I fucking hate those hairy eight-legged little bastards!). I always wanted a horse as a kid but we were just too poor to have one even though we lived in a small town and my grandma had a big field we could have kept one in. I spent a lot of my childhood out in the fields around town petting other people's horses and even got to take a year's worth of riding lessons thanks to the elementary school's mentor-ship program. I was obsessed with the cute little baby pigs in the Telus ads for awhile and threatened to trade Midnight in for one every time he did something bad.

I also really want a bunny but I'm afraid Midnight might eat it. I bet he couldn't eat it if I got a Flemmish Giant rabbit! Giant bunnies rule! I might get a bunny yet... ;)

Sweaty Slug Vampires

2010-07-15T14:09:00.000-07:00

Well it's summer... it's hot. It's humid. It's sticky. It's fucking sunny! Yuck.

I'm more of a fall/spring/winter kinda girl. I basically have the skin tone of white bread and come from Northern European genetics. My kind is not meant to spend an awful amount of time in the sun or heat. We deal well with rain and cold but heat... not so much. Heck, in some Northern European countries damp is a colour. Sweltering tropical destinations are not my idea of a vacation.

Generally, Vancouver is the perfect environment for me... wet, gray and dark. This is very conducive to maintaining my vampire tan. However, for the two months of July and August Vancouver turns into a humid hell dimension (at least it does for me, I'm sure sun-worshipers love it; but they're weird in the head anyways. All that sun exposure fries their brain cells).

So right now, I'm hot. I have to slather on sunblock just to walk outside for 5 minutes. I am super reactive to sunlight and will burn in no time. And I don't burn and it peels off to a tan... nope, it peels off and I'm just as white underneath. No tanning for this girl. Just horrible, horrible ouchy sunburns. And nobody loves a cranky lobster woman.

So I smear on my SPF 100, carry an umbrella around during the summer like a weirdo, hide under a even bigger umbrella at the beach, and stay fairly covered up during the day. It's just not worth the sunburn. It's funny to watch me at the local nude beach. I come with a giant umbrella, set it up, get naked, smear on sunscreen, run out for a 10 minute swim, run back to the umbrella, smear on more sunscreen, and start the process all over again.

Being that I'm so pale, I am at a risk for skin cancer so I should definitely not be sunbathing. But that's okay, I over-heat too easy anyways. My body likes to conserve heat... Great for the winter, craptastic for the summer. I kinda turn into a sweaty slug during the summer months and try not to move from in front of my fan.

And this sweaty slug vampire is gonna go home to do just that! See ya!

Skinny does not equal Better

2010-07-12T13:13:00.000-07:00

You know what I am really really tired of... Formerly thick TV/music/movie stars doing ads for Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig extolling the virtues of their rapid weight loss. For one thing, rapid weight loss is not a good way to keep off weight and can be very dangerous. When you rapidly lose weight your body actually thinks it's starving to death and starts to burn your fat stores. Your fat stores exist to protect your from times of famine.

As I've stated before, the last hundred years or so are the only time in human history that we have tried to get as skinny as possible. Historically, being a little chubby was an important body mechanism to protect us through times of low resources and devastating plagues. Our immune systems relied on our fat stores to stay healthy and women especially carried a little extra weight to protect our reproductive processes and carry babies through tough times. This is how we kept ourselves alive as a species.

When you do rapid weight loss, which almost all weight loss programs claim to do, you body goes into preservation mode; slows down your metabolism and raises your set weight point. You set weight point is the point your body wants to be at when you are eating normally and healthily. When you restrict your calorie or food intake your body assumes that it's starving and in order to protect itself from future starvation episodes makes you gain more weight back when you go off your diet. Thus, dieting can make you fatter.

Anyways, I'm so tired of Jennifer Hudson, Jason Alexander, Sara Rue... etc etc going on TV and stating that the only way they can have any self esteem is to lose weight. Never mind that they are successful singers/actors, with millions of adoring fans, lots of cash and are frequently intelligent as well. These ads often suggest to me in thinly veiled subtext that no matter how successful or talented you are, you are nothing if you are fat.

I just don't know why we have to place so much value and self esteem on our bodies. I would like to be remembered for my intellectual work and the people I helped in my life rather than for being fat or skinny. And why does Jennifer Hudson want to be remembered for being skinny? Shouldn't we as a society value her amazing voice instead of her body type?

I know I've ranted about this before and I probably will again. It's definitely an uphill battle to try and change entrenched social ideals but that doesn't mean I should just lie down and shut up. It's the right of everyone one of us to say "Hey! I'm more than just my body and I'm gonna fucking well be happy with myself despite societal pressure! I have the right to exist the way I want to!" I think it is incredibility brave whenever someone has the guts to do that whether it's about body issues, sexuality, equal rights, racism, etc etc.

What's the point of living in this world if you are not going to make at least a little bit of an effort to leave the world a little better than you found it?

*Edit: I also want to note that rapid weight gain is dangerous as well for your body. Rapid changes in either direction put a lot of stress on your body and immune system. I also want to note that I don't feel that people who are naturally thin are a problem; I'm simply stating that as a society we are putting too much value on our physical appearance and not enough on our intellectual, emotional and artistic selves.

The Worst Lesbian Ever

2010-06-29T13:15:00.000-07:00

I fully admit to being bisexual. I tend to get into relationships with men but I find women sexually attractive as well. I believe sexuality is a spectrum with a lot of different variations on the way; it's not an either/or kind of experience for me. Everyone has different preferences and should be respected for their choices and lifestyles. I also happen to find effeminate men, men who dress in drag, and trans-women very attractive and frequently date bisexual men. I personally believe that if you love someone it doesn't matter what gender they are.

My brother dubbed me "The Worst Lesbian Ever" because I voiced more than once when I was younger that I was finished dating asshole men and was going to permanently switch to women... Which always turned out to be a false proclamation when the next hot guy came along, thus the moniker. I frequently do feel like the Worst Lesbian Ever because I am clueless when it comes to hitting on women. Frequently, all it takes to attract a man's interest is to smile at him. Women are harder. I feel like a 12 year old boy when I try to hit on other women and end up hiding in a corner instead.

I do, however, still consider myself queer. I still find women very attractive even if my pick-up skills are a little lacking and enjoy having sex with them on the few occasions that it does happen. And further more, I consider myself queer because I really do love cross-dressing bisexual men. Most drag queens are gay, but I am always searching for the few who are not because I find them so ridiculously attractive. Goddamned do I love a guy dressed like a girl! We can share clothes, jewelry and make-up tips, how perfect is that? I have a long standing crush on RuPaul.

I think I first realized I liked men who bent the gender binary when I was 17. The first boy I ever slept with had his nails painted black and I thought it was amazingly sexy. I came from a small town where gender-bending didn't really happen for men (women for some reason could get away with it and be accepted as one of the guys; didn't work the other way however). He was not a cross-dresser but rather a goth-y type, but that little bend was very exciting to me.

I was a self-proclaimed goth girl for many years and found the goth subculture to be a place that didn't enforce gender binaries. I think because society already defined us as outsider freaks we were all very accepting of gender queering and created an inclusive space for our warped little subculture. Most of the boys I was attracted to had long hair, wore long black skirts, had painted nails and wore eyeliner. I still find that attractive to this day.

So I may not be a very good lesbian, but I still feel that I am a queer woman. I just do not believe in a binary gender/sexuality and I am frequently depressed and sickened by a culture that uses violence to enforce that binary. Despite the social disapproval, I am gonna just keep on loving girls, and boys, and boys who look like girls, and girls who look like boys, and find me a man I can share my underwear with.

I am a Warrior

2010-06-26T15:00:00.000-07:00

This is a painting my friend Art Assassin did of me. It makes me feel tough and confident like I feel on the inside. I think I need to make a costume like this... you know, just for clubbing... ;)

Dear Tummy;

2010-06-24T14:35:00.000-07:00

I wish we had a better relationship. I have been trying since I was a teenager to feel better about you but our negative relationship still haunts me every single day. I have tried everything to hide you. Extreme corsets, tummy slimming undies, control top pantyhose, baggy shirts, those horribly uncomfortable tummy tucking Lycra shorts thingies that just end up rolling down and creating a weird lump under my clothing... you name it, I've tried it. And still, there you are like a creepy stalker following me everywhere I go.

I've even tried to make you go away with diet pills, starvation and exercising until I nearly passed out. You, however, refuse to leave. You have even decided to make yourself more prominent as I get older as I've been busily trying to hide you from everyone I meet. For some reason, I don't want anyone to know you are there but it is not like I can really hide you. As soon as my clothes come off and I remove whatever I was wearing to strap you down with, well... there you are. As proud, defiant and stubborn as ever. Unlike most of my boyfriends, you just refuse to leave me.

I frequently stand in front of the mirror and curse you. I change outfits over and over again trying to find something that hides you a least a little bit. I curse whoever designs woman's shirts to be too short or too tight and wonder why I bought all these fucking tops that can only be worn if I wear a corset to strap you down. What was I thinking?

It's hard not to hate you, even though I try so hard, because society seems to hate you so very much. I have such a hard time finding clothing designed to fit you right so the fashion industry must hate you. Every TV, movie, or music star (except for a precious few) do not seem to have their own version of you so obviously the entertainment industry hates you. I spent my whole childhood being mercilessly teased about you; I've had horrible comments said behind my back (or even to my face) about you; I've been told over and over again that I would look much better without you... so I can only conclude society hates you too.

I am really trying to repair our relationship, dear Tummy. I do not want to be constantly thinking about you, actually more like obsessing about you. I think we would have a better relationship if I didn't. You are there. You are a part of my body. With my body type, you are never going to go away. I shouldn't feel so negative about you. Every day I say to myself as I get dressed, "Well, there you are tummy. You are not hiding as well as I would like you to. Well, fuck it! I have you. And you have me. If the rest of world doesn't like you, they can go to hell..."

So dear Tummy, let's try to get along. Help me to stop thinking about how everyone else must view and dislike you. I should like you. We should be friends. There is just so many more important things in the world to be worrying about than you. In the immortal words of a friend of mine, "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke..."

The Further Adventures of the Retarded Monkey

2010-06-20T03:41:00.001-07:00

So I haven't posted here in a little while because... well... I'm sick... again... *sigh*

I've presently picked up a nasty viral infection that is gonna hang around in my system for a few weeks. I've been holed up in my apartment for a week and half trying desperately to feel better and least get to work a little bit. I'm sure my co-workers hate me right now because I just have not been able to make it into my office due to a pretty serious fever... I said it before and I'll say it again -- I'm a retarded monkey.

I was a sick kid. My mom was 16 and living on the streets when she got pregnant with me. She probably wasn't too careful about her own health until she realized she was pregnant. She told me her labor was difficult (she was 17 by then and a very petite woman) and they had a pediatrician on stand-by because the doctors were worried about me. Her labor was very long and when I was born I wasn't breathing. My mom says she was very drugged and she could remember the pediatrician running by with me tucked under his arm like I was a football and he was running for a touchdown. I was bright purple. He got me breathing quickly and I, obviously, was okay.

I was, however, a sick kid from then on. I got every single cold and flu that came along. I remember missing weeks of school. I constantly had bronchial infections and I was famous for coughing until I threw up. My mom would force feed me Buckley's cough medicine and Fisherman's Friend cough drops. You will only now what these are if you are Canadian, but believe me, they both taste disgusting. I would still cough uncontrollably. I lived on antibiotics in the winter and my mom would make me warm milk night after night trying to calm down my bronchial passages so I could sleep.

This went on until I finally contracted pneumonia when I was 13 and my doctor informed us that I had a minor case of asthma as well. I was sick the entire winter/spring I was 13 and I missed a full month of school. For some reason, my bronchial infections calmed down after that but I suddenly started getting severe tonsil infections. The first one I got when I was 15/16 was so serious we ended up going to the emergency room because I couldn't swallow or really breathe very well. The emergency doctor took one look down my throat and said "Eeeewwww!" It is never a good sign when your doctor says 'Ew'. It's only in the last couple of years that I've seem to have stopped getting tonsil infections.

Some winters I get sick every two weeks. I've had chronic problems with a ruptured disc in my lower spine since I was 20 which has robbed my of a lot of my flexibility. I've had 5 root canals (my teeth suck; they are very weak and no matter how much I brush them I still get problems). I was diagnosed with a condition a few years ago called Interstitial Cystitis which is extremely painful and I have now gone through 2 surgeries, a series of painful invasive procedures (which I will probably have to do again), and am now on long term meds (which have nasty side effects but have been alleviating the pain). This condition has been praticulary bad over the last winter/spring. I've also started to get severe migraines.

Unfortunately I'm just one of those people who gets sick. A lot. My immune system just doesn't seem to work right no matter how hard I try to keep it healthy (I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I don't drink, I try to eat healthy). None of my chronic conditions are going to kill me but I can end up in a lot of pain. I met a man the other day who had HIV and survived cancer. I try to remember that I don't have it as hard as other people but goddamn it sucks to be ill or in pain frequently.

This has impacted my burlesque career as of late as I've been continually ill or dealing with increased pain over the last year and I have had to put things on hold. I feel like I can't book shows and gigs when I'm not sure I will not get sick and have to cancel at the last minute. I'm really hoping that I'll start to feel better soon and be able to get back into the world of burlesque as much as I'd like too.

In the meantime, I'm gonna stop this bloggy whining, find a bowl of soup and crawl into bed for the next twelve hours... See ya!

Confessions of a Comic Book Nerd

2010-06-02T22:51:00.000-07:00

So I read a lot of comic books; I have since I was a kid. Growing up in a small town is kinda boring (okay it's a LOT boring) and one of the few things I could access easily was comic books sold at the local grocery store. As a kid I liked comic books like Ghost Rider, Daredevil and the X-men. When I was a teenager, I was one of the few girls who would show up in the comic book shops but I've noticed over the last decade or so that girls have really been getting into comic books.

When I started reading comic books in the mid-90s female characters where generally drawn to look like ridiculously over-endowed violent Barbie Dolls; like this:
Most comic book artists defended the move to make their female characters look like super powered porn stars with the argument that the only audience reading comic books were teenage boys. Thus they were only reflecting what the readers wanted which left us female comic book nerds out in the cold with nothing but male masturbation fantasies to read about.

There was an underground of female written comics like Roberta Gregory's Bitchy Bitch and Bitchy Butch series and Diane DiMassa's Hothead Paisan: Homicidal Lesbian Terrorist which were pretty much impossible for me to access as a kid. I'll write more about these comic books in another post. The movement towards more positive female images in comic books and a recognition that girls and women were reading comic books started out with these underground comics and has since become more and more popular.

These days my favorite comics are anything written by Garth Ennis (The Punisher, The Boys, Preacher), Bryan Lee O'Malley's Scott Pilgrim, and of course the work of the artist/writer I want to introduce you to today:

Ross Campbell is the artist/writer behind Water Baby, the zombie apocalypse yarn The Abandoned, the self-published Mountain Girl, and the ongoing series Wet Moon. He has a new comic being released soon called Shadoweyes. Ross is amazing (and I am gonna gush a little bit here); I have never met (well... internet met) a comic book creator who is so thoughtful about how women and people of colour are represented in his comic books. His female and male characters come in all shape, sizes, sexualities and ethnic backgrounds (reflecting a reality often left out of popular media like comic books).
Ross' female characters are sexy without being over-sexualized and I have never seen big tummies drawn so cute! After reading my first issue of Wet Moon, I felt better about my own big tummy after seeing big girls drawn with an obtainable sexiness. Comic books traditionally made their characters fairly generic, especially female characters, they were tall, white, big busted and small-waisted with little variation between characters. Ross has turned this trend on it's head and consciously made the decision to present women of colour and women of different sizes as sexy, smart and complicated (rather than a one dimensional masturbation props for male characters).
Ross even presents characters who are living with different levels of ability. The main character of Water Baby, Brody, is attacked by a shark and loses her leg at the beginning of the book. As she struggles with the change in her body, she embarks on a mission to get rid of her shark of an ex-boyfriend and to rebuild her life.
A number of his characters are also gay or lesbian which is rarely discussed in mainstream comic books or presented as a "special issue" rather than treated as a normal part of the human experience. The relationships between Ross' characters are complex and interesting and these interactions drive the story lines; even in The Abandoned which takes place during a zombie apocalypse you find yourself drawn into the characters interactions with each other and how their personalities affect their plight. I've found myself being very invested in the characters of Ross' books (the last installment of Wet Moon ended with a cliff-hanger and I find myself biting my nails waiting for the new book). His characters aren't just violent re-enactments of social archetypes but well developed thoughtful representations of real women (of course there are still vigilantes, zombies, shark gods, and other strange comic book world things happening in his books).
And by the way, the above panel is from the first issue of Wet Moon and I really didn't realize that men knew that us girls did this in front of the mirror. I think we all examine our bodies like this in the mirror and suck our tummies in, stare at our asses, and lift our boobs; I just didn't realize that there were men paying attention to this. As women we are so socially focused on our bodies that we examine our flaws and focus on them in the mirror much like the character, Cleo, is doing in the above panel. It was nice to see a representation of the worry women feel about their bodies addressed in one of my favorite mediums.
Ross' self-published title Mountain Girl early on uses some representations of the cannibal spirit Wendigo myth from the Algonquian people (a Canadian First Nations group). I asked Ross if the Algonquian myth was influencing his story ideas and he replied that it was at first but he was trying to move away from it because he was worried that the story lines could be viewed as cultural appropriation. I also read one of his LiveJournal posts where he questioned if he was making his characters too sexualized. I gotta say, I don't think most comic book creators are so thoughtful about how they are representing their characters and how this is affecting the cultural landscape.

This is my message to Ross: Keep up the great work! I think young women need representations like your characters in the media. We need to see women of colour, women of size, and characters with varying sexualities. It's desperately missing from mainstream media and I feel that sometimes as North Americans we are presented with a cultural wasteland of single-minded representations of skinny straight white women as the mark of beauty for all women. We need more artists like Ross Campbell out there chipping away at this stereotype and altering how society views women in a medium traditionally thought of as only interesting to males.

Remember how your mom said comic books would rot your mind. She was wrong... Now go read some comic books!

Check out Ross Campbell's website at: http://www.greenoblivion.com/
You can also check out his Deviant Art page at: http://mooncalfe.deviantart.com/
**Please note that the art in this post is copyrighted to Ross Campbell**

Duck! It's a Yarn-bomb!

2010-05-30T23:20:00.000-07:00

Wanna see something cool? Look...
This is a picture I took of cute little knitted animal blue bee-hivey things that were installed on a trellis at the Davie Street community gardens in downtown Vancouver. This is a form of street art called Yarn or Knit-bombing. This is removable graffiti art that is almost completely committed by women. Women go out into the public space and knit cozies or things like the above picture around inanimate objects like fences, trees, park benches and other public objects. I've only been able to find a couple of examples of yarn-bombing to take pictures of because it is easily removable which means it usually gets taken down pretty fast.

So the point behind this kind of graffiti is to beautify the public space. Municipal governments treat public space like a controlled war zone; it is legislated, by-lawed and patrolled to ensure that the city dweller doesn't misuse it. Misusing is defined as trying to create any sort of art or engage in any activity that is not sanctioned by the governing body (Vancouver is recently stepping up it's control of public space by installing street survellience cameras under the guise of national security for the Olympics). Thus the government becomes the controller of public space which is funny because public means accessible to the public which means we, the public, should decide how it gets used. Anyways, the point behind yarn-bombing is to re-purpose public space and to beautify it with non-governmental sanctioned art. Other movements that work in this vein are guerrilla gardening, graffiti art, Bansky-esque stenciling, and culture jamming.

Vancouver has a track record of installing the most bland, unattractive and frequently corporate public art. However, we have some amazing street art being committed by people who aren't receiving acknowledgment for it (and really can't because they could be arrested for some of it). It is being quickly removed by over-zealous city workers and made illegal by un-inventive bureaucrats. The VPD has actually said they would charge anyone they found doing yarn-bombing with vandalism (which I think is really stupid because it is completely removable and does not damage property). I love it; I think it is creative, beautiful and fascinating. It makes it so much more fun to travel the urban space when you can search for interesting street art (I do it all the time and have started a photo album of cool street art I've run across in Vancouver). Keep up the unique work you artistic vandals, you!*

*Disclaimer: please don't vandalize small businesses. They have very little money to deal with it when the city decides to charge them for the removal.

You can check out this really cool book to find out more: Yarn Bombing: The Art of Crochet and Knit Graffiti By Mandy Moore and Leanne Prain.

Image from the book

I Would Never Go Back To Being a Teenager

2010-05-29T20:50:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about what it was like to be a teenager. It was horrible. People who look back on their childhood and teenage years with nostalgia and fond memories must be sniffing glue and altering their memories. I was fat, smart, weird and from a poor family... the absolutely worst combination for the battle zone that is North American high schools. Not only is your body changing fast, hormones are racing, boobs are sprouting, you're confused, you're developing your sexuality, deciding who you are gonna be and on top of all of that you become the target for all the body hate North American society can heap on you.

I really think young girls need better role models. I don't think ultra-rich celebrities and sports figures who make millions of dollars are the best role models for teenage girls. Women like that, who are in the public eye, are under so much pressure and scrutiny that they often cave to negative body ideas in order to keep their status as money makers and sex symbols. I mean, I really like actresses like Queen Latifa who have bucked the trend and made no apologies for being big women. I feel bad for actresses like Jennifer Hudson and America Ferrera who were curvy and have recently lost a lot of weight to fit the image Hollywood expects of them. I mean it's so hard for young girls... There will be one magazine article that praises a curvy star, another article will say she's too fat and then another one will say how much better she looks after she lost all the weight and all this will run along side yet another article about eating disorders and how Hollywood actresses are too skinny. No wonder girls are so confused. We can't win no matter what we look like.

What is so strange about all of this is it's only in the last hundred years that the thin body type became the standard for women; it really did not become popular until the 1920s when the Depression was in full swing and clothing needed to be less opulent than Victoria clothing because there simply was not enough money to make such extravagant clothing. In some ways this was a good thing, women started to get involved in sport and outdoor activities which they were never allowed to do before but it went too far and created a beauty ideal most women just can't live up to. Before the 1920s the body type of choice for women was plump; a woman needed to have weight on her body to carry babies to term and to survive long periods of scarce resources.
Now in evolutionary and genetic terms, our bodies are designed to gain weight. This protected the human race through times of starvation and low resources so we could procreate and continue as a species. This is why dieting will actually make you fatter; your body thinks it is starving and slows down your metabolism when you diet. Your body retains more fat to protect your body from what it sees as a time of low resources. What has happened that has really fucked our bodies up in the last hundred years, is the introduction of processed and chemical foods into our diets. Obesity has become an issue because our bodies don't know how to process much of the chemical substances coming into our bodies. And by the way, there is NO scientific correlation between being thin and living longer or healthier. People who are reasonably heavier actually live longer; although severe obesity can still be dangerous. You should read Linda Bacon's Health at Every Size; a fabulous book on this subject.

I feel that women should be accepted at whatever size she is, whether she is thin, heavy or somewhere in between. The society we have troubles our bodies; it makes us hyper-aware of the body and how it is viewed by the society around us. We focus so much on our bodies that we forget that we are not just our bodies; we have brains as well. Men have a preoccupation with their bodies as well but not nearly as prominently as women do. We spend all our time thinking about how much we hate our bodies that we forget that the women around us are intelligent, thoughtful and emotional and have a lot more to offer than just a body. This is why I think young women need role models out there beyond celebrities; we need female scientists, writers, politicians, philosophers, doctors, dreamers, poets, directors, and other smart women to become role models for girls who are growing up in a confusing society. We shouldn't forget our bodies; our body is the home to our brain and it all needs to work together-- but we shouldn't be so focused just on the body itself. We can be sexy and smart no matter our size.

And society itself needs to stop focusing so much on the body; case in point smart women like Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton have had more articles written about what they are wearing than on their intellectual and political pursuits. Men in the same position do not face the same bias.

I hope you will go out into the world and talk to the young women in your life who are going through a confusing time. Search for some positive role models to point out to them. Tell them that no matter their body type that they are beautiful and desirable. That they can be smart as well. That they are more than just a body. Teach them to view the societal constructs around them with a critical eye rather than a passive one. And give them a hug, because it's really god-damned hard being a teenager.

I'm like a retarded monkey or the longest post EVER!

2010-05-27T14:17:00.000-07:00

Some times I feel like Dustin Hoffman's character in Rain Man but with boobs. Or like a really smart child. My life just kind of happens. I don't make plans really. Things just happen. My friends are having children, buying homes, maintaining relationships, have long term careers and have financial planners. I, on the other hand, have almost been homeless on multiple occasions in the last 10 years and have never filed my own taxes (my mom does it). I feel like I can't operate like a normal productive member of society because I can't operate like a normal productive member of society. I mean I get by and take care of myself but my life has weird hiccups that are caused by how I interact with the world.

Point in case of how things just kinda happen, when I was in my last year of high school I hadn't really planned on going to UBC; actually like all 17 year olds I had no plan. I thought I would go to the University College of the Cariboo in Kamloops which is a hour and half drive from my home town and a small city. UCC pretty much had an open door policy and as long as you had a pulse and a C average would let you in. I was broke ass poor and pretty much living on my own (I'll explain that in another post) and the high school would pay for 3 applications to university and colleges. I didn't have the money to apply to more. So I applied to UCC and was accepted immediately. I figured I should apply to two more places since the school was paying for it so I applied to UVic and UBC (one of the most prominent universities in Western Canada).

When my librarian/social studies teacher (Mr. Landy) found out I was going to apply to UBC he got really REALLY excited because he had gone there and loved it. He filled out my applications, got me accepted, and once I was accepted filled out all the university paper work, my loan applications, got me housing, and showed me which classes I needed to register for. I don't think I would have ever actually gone to UBC if it hadn't been for him (him, his wife, and my french teacher actually came to visit me in the first week I was on campus and he took me on a tour of the buildings I was going to need to know). You have to understand, I come from a seriously small town and nobody but me went to a university (a few kids went to college but mostly for trades). I had also spent my entire life living in a town of 700 people and the idea of going to a huge university in a city of 1 million+ people was kinda far out. Me ending up in Vancouver just kinda happened.

Once I got here and started university I quickly discovered that I LOVED university. But this is just the first in a long line of how things just kinda happen in my life. I hadn't always planned to go to university, it just happened. As for the multiple periods of unemployment and near homelessness; other people plan far in advance that they will need a summer job while at university. I over and over again found myself with summer starting and suddenly realizing I needed a job! Fast. My first brush with nearly living on the streets happened when I was 21 and my relationship with my then fiance was falling apart. I suddenly had no job, nowhere to live, and a serious problem. I luckily found an apartment and a job really quickly but I was about a month away from sleeping on my brother's floor.

Now you say, well that kinda thing happens when you're young but the problem is it keeps happening. When my fiance and I broke up I moved into a hole in the ground; literately it was the slummiest apartment I ever lived in. It had holes in the ceiling and floors, most of the floors were bare concrete, the ceiling didn't meet the walls properly, all the pipes were exposed and I had to put duct tape over the holes in the kitchen floor to keep the slugs from crawling in. Normally this is a temporary thing for most people, a thing you do for a year or two when you're 20. I lived there for 5 years. Admittedly the rent was super cheap; but I spend 5 years living in a hole.

I finished my BA, which started out as a major in psychology until I discovered I hated psychology and switched to a double major in women's studies and sociology. Instead of taking 4 years to do my degree, I took six. Once finished I was working in an aromatherapy store as a retail slave and had been for two years and worked my way up to assistant manager. I was cool with this, it was a good job and I liked my manager UNTIL the evil owner came back from her 3 year medical leave and decided she really didn't like me. She made sure to make my life hell so I would quit. Which I did, and here I was again... unemployed... with 2 fucking university degrees... living in a hole. *sigh*

And further into the saga of things just happening... I went looking for a 'real' job (ie a non-retail job). Within a month I had a job as a mental health advocate at small not-for-profit on the Downtown Eastside (one of Canada's poorest neighborhoods). I had no training in mental health care or advocacy, no experience and was suddenly dealing with street-involved, drug addicted mental health clients; how I got that job I'll never understand. The job itself wasn't that bad; sometimes I had clients that could be a little frighting but I felt like I was really helping people and making some positive change for some desperate people. The only problem was my psychotic, screaming, micro-managing, completely-impossible-to-deal-with boss. Within 8 months I had to quit because one day I realized I really wanted to shove a letter opener through her hand...

So here I was AGAIN unemployed with no money still living in a hole. This time, however, as I realized the job was probably not gonna work out I applied to Graduate School and got accepted to a couple of MA programs. Grad school, however, didn't start until September. I had to quit my job in January or I was gonna get too friendly with my letter opener. So unemployed again searching for any job and what did I have to do for six months?... the only job I could find was a part-time job in a body product store in a mall. I spent the summer before grad school completely broke but just getting by as long as I didn't eat too much... It actually turned into one of the best summers of my life. I worked with fun girls although I hate retail sales and humans and should never be allowed to interact with the public (why does anybody ever hire me?). I drank my way through the summer, slept with every cutie who looked my way, hung out at my favorite bars, started doing burlesque (which was another thing that just kinda happened... I won a contest at a Screaming Chicken show to take their burlesque classes and found out I loved burlesque: never would have had the money to take the classes if I hadn't won that contest), met my awesome boyfriend who I would be with for the next year, and always worked the late shift so I could get up late everyday.

So my most recent bout of unemployment came after I finished grad school. I had enough money put away to pay my bills for two months and figured I could find a job in that time... Oops! Here comes the 'economic downturn' aka good-luck-finding-a-job-you-loser happy fun time. Two months turned into 4 months of unemployment and taking a 20hr/week $8/hr job at a movie theatre with a bunch of 17 year olds because not even Starbucks was hiring. The only reason I didn't starve was my good friend Karen insisted on feeding me daily. Luckily I landed my job I have now at an university as a project coordinator on a research project but again it just happened... the research project isn't even in my field.

This all leads to my point about my inability to operate like a normal human. I can't plan ahead. I have no long term career goals... I can barely find anything I can stand to do. Presently, I have a pretty good job but after six months I was bored. I think it's not the job but my inability to be in the same place 5 days a week from 9-5. It drives me insane... I actually went off the rails this winter because nothing felt right. I frequently feel directionless and unhappy with the things normal people can do... like go to a job on a regular basis. My major goals in life are to find a career where I only work 4 days a week, can take afternoon naps, and still make enough money to support myself and possibly my mother as she gets older. I can barely let people into my life; I isolate myself from the outside world as a matter of course. Other people go out after work, have a social life... if I am constrained by a full-time job and because I have to deal with other people I need to go home at the end of the day and hide. I seriously go home, lock the door and nest. I have two little nesting spots in my apartment (by the way I got a new apartment 2 years ago that is actually pretty nice for an East Van apartment, the neighborhood is pretty rough by my apartment is nice; this is a serious step up for me). I have one nest in the couch and one in my bed. I surround myself with tonnes of blankets and pillows. Most people have one or two throw pillows and maybe a wrap on the couch. I have heavy quilts and many many pillows because I need to nest like a comfy little bird. The few people I let visit every once in a while have to remove a tonne of nesting material just to sit on the couch.

I don't reach out to people. The people who have managed to maintain a close relationship with me, call me and make me interact with them. They make the effort to ensure I don't completely disappear into my own world. I can't maintain long term romantic relationships. I've had two serious boyfriends in my entire life; I can't operate like a normal human in a relationship. Anyone who could actually live with me would have to become enveloped in my weird insular world and give me a level of devotion that I don't think anyone could really handle.

So I can't hold down a real job or maintain proper social relationships. I'm like a retarded monkey or something. I can't plan for a career like normal people and constantly live one or two paychecks away from homelessness. At least I don't live in a hole anymore.

I guess what all this has led me to find out about myself is that I need to just stay in school. It's the only thing I really love doing. The only thing that keeps me from being bored and actually engaged with other people. I can be a weirdo and still be smart. I can do all my work naked in the middle of the night whenever I want to. I'm starting my PhD in 3 months and I'm really excited. I think maybe I sort of but not really finally have a career plan. I want to be a professor and never ever leave school. I want to be one of those old entrenched professors who has been at the university forever and has a office full of stuff from which to dispense wisdom to young impressionable students. I want to spend the next 7 years getting a PhD so I don't have to have a real job or engage with the real world. I'm a social malcontent, like my mother... she chose to go off the grid and live in the middle of nowhere and farm. She lives alone with her dog and cats and the closest neighbor is a 20 minute walk away. I inherited my social malcontent-ness from her... except I need to embed myself in the university system because I can't operate in the rest of the world. I guess we all have a place in the world... and that's mine.

And by the way... the whole it just kinda happens thing... One of my professors told me I needed to apply to multiple programs at multiple universities in multiple cities and plan my PhD application like a battle plan or I would never get in and it might take me years to get into a program...

...I applied to one program in my home city at the last minute... and got in... It just happened...

The Revenge of the Vikings!

2010-05-26T03:03:00.000-07:00

This is a number I developed the concept for and we all worked together to make amazing! 5 curvy Viking Valkyries take on two douche-bag party crashers! *Note: our douche-bags were played by Vaudevillians Chai Tea and Sex Luther who are super nice in real life!* The Vikings are played by myself, VaVa Vunderbust, Peaches Flambe, Star Buxom, and Precious Metal.

2010-02-05 - Copious Curves - 03 - Valkyries from Helianthus Photography on Vimeo.

Run! It's a FEMINIST!

2010-05-25T11:11:00.000-07:00

Yup. I'm a feminist.

Wait! Don't run away! I swear I'm not gonna bust out my Femini-Nazi combat boots and stomp all over you! Come back!

You came back? ... Good. We can move on. So I have a wall full of university degrees. I have a double undergraduate degree in Women's Studies and Sociology and a Masters in Women's Studies with a focus on transgender/queer theory. I am starting my PhD in Women's Studies this fall and pursuing thesis research around women and street level art. When I finish my PhD I will officially have the title Dr. to add at the beginning of my name (Dr. Curves! Ha! I love it!). I have invested my entire adult life in the pursuit of feminist studies and academic theory. Nothing crushes my feelings more than someone saying, "Feminism? Well that's stupid! I hate feminists. They are all a bunch of Nazis. Why would you want to go to school for so long? You must be an idiot in the real world!"

It really sucks when someone degrades your entire life's work because they don't really understand it and have made snap judgments based on media portrayals. There is an idea in the public that all feminists are man-hating, exclusionist bull-dykes. And yes, some of us are. There are factions of feminists who believe in the exclusion of men from any feminist model; they believe that men are the problem. Now think about this, if you spend centuries under an oppressive rule wouldn't you be a little distrustful of who you perceived as your oppressor? I'm not saying its right, I'm just saying it's a logical leap for people who are fighting for change to make.

Now there are many different kinds of feminists just like there are many different kinds of any person. Some of us are Marxist-Feminists, or Riot Grrls, or Queer Feminists, or Third Wave Feminists, or any other number of combinations. I ascribe to a feminism that finds systems of oppression to be detrimental to everyone; whether your male or female, white or of colour, poor or middle class, educated or not, etc etc. Systems of class, ethnic, sexual and gender segregation and oppression really don't help anyone.

To illustrate my point let's take a little look at how patriarchy doesn't really benefit most men (it does kinda benefit the few rich white men who control the world). Can you imagine never being able to express your emotions and being called a 'faggot' or 'pussy' if you do? Or being told by every media outlet and the society around you that you have to be tough, masculine, muscular, and violent all the time? Or being told you need to go to war just because you're male? And boys and men have body issues just as bad as women do. If you watch five minute of prime time TV you will notice the barrage of ads for products to make you more masculine or muscular if you shave with this product (does anyone else think men's shaving gel/razor ads are almost as ridiculous as tampon ads?), drive this car, wear these jeans... etc etc. I watched the boys I grew up with who didn't fit a masculine jock image be teased mercilessly or have the shit kicked out of them for not living up to masculine ideals. While the female oppression tends to be more insidious and linked to our corporeal bodies; male oppression is visited upon the male body in a very physical, violent way.

I occasionally get the comment, how can you be a feminist and a burlesque dancer? Isn't it just stripping for men and aren't feminists against that? I used to get the question how can you be a feminist and into S&M but that's a whole different post. Well, the answer to this is I think burlesque is really empowering for men and women. I dance in a troupe that has a large contingent of male burlesque performers (boylesque or brolesque as they like to call it) and they are amazing talented guys. They don't look like Chippendale dancers but I perceive them as fighting for a positive male body image as well. To me they are saying "Hey society! Look at me! I sing and dance and fly in the face of your gendered ideals and damn am I having an awesome time doing it!"

The same thing is happening for a lot of the women who engage in neo-burlesque. We do it because we want to. At least half or more of our audiences are female and the crowd is cheering for us no matter what our body type is. Burlesque dancers come in all shape and sizes and we are taking our clothing off to show the power we have in our bodies and that yes, we can be naked and empowered! We don't need to feel fear or shame around our bodies and we can get up on stage and enjoy having fun. And I think this is a basic tenant of feminism, not having shame in who we are and forcing a racist, classist, and sexist society to take notice and adjust its' worldview.

I view burlesque as a positive female action that challenges gender stereotypes but I also have to stress that this is not always the case. Some audience members still objectify the dancers, some people think we are stupid for doing it or that we are setting back female rights, some people think it is immoral, and some people simply think we are a bunch of fat strippers. My feminism, however, comes from a place of fun. Oppression isn't fun; its' depressing, confining and disheartening. Busting out of your bra to a raucous rendition of your favorite song is fun and I think empowering as well!

Note: I didn't talk much about racism and women/men/transpeople of colour in this post as I don't think I really have the right to as I'm not of colour myself. I hope you will seek out some information about issues on racism and how women/men of colour are engaging with burlesque for your own interest.

Check out the book Burlesque West: Showgirls, Sex, and Sin in Postwar Vancouver by Becki Ross (one of my former professors at UBC)! Great book on the history of burlesque and it's interactions with feminist theory.

I realize my last couple of posts have been kinda serious... I'll go back to writing about bees soon. :P

An Open Letter to Douche-bags;

2010-05-24T14:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Douche-bags from this city and around the world;

This is an open letter to men around the world although it is mostly directed to the men I deal with on a regular basis in my city. I am sick of you douche-bags and the way you feel it is okay to treat women. I do, however, want to make something clear here. I love men. I adore you. A large portion of you are amazing. You are sweet, respectful, and endearing but you have a brother-faction of douche-bags out there who are giving you a bad name. You need to talk to them and you need to teach them how to be respectful human beings.

I'm not really sure if my city has a concentration of douche-bags or if all cities are like this but I've been dealing with it for 10 years and it hasn't changed. I can barely step outside my apartment if I'm all dressed up (and sometimes even if I'm not, like if I'm just wearing a hoodie and jeans) without a douche-bag descending on me. I fully admit to my love of slutty tight clothing and showing off my boobs. I like my body and I like showing it off and before you say, "Why do you dress like that if you don't want the attention?"

...Well here is the answer to that. I do want the attention... please feel free to look, admire, even tell me I look nice or sexy. But remember I dress for myself not for you. I dress this way to feel sexy and good about myself. I do enjoy turning heads but I really dislike it when you say rude sexualized comments like "Hey nice tits!" or yelling at me from a car. This is not going to make me stop in my tracks and say "Hey cowboy, I love it when you treat me like a piece of meat and belittle me. Lets go have some unsatisfying sex!"

Also if you come to hit on me because I'm dressed all sexy, that's okay. I'm not offended but when I shoot you down and tell you I'm not interested do not call me a bitch or a cunt. You approached me. I didn't approach you. I wasn't holding a sign that said 'come make an awkward attempt at getting in my pants'. Being a jerk is not gonna get you more pussy. I sleep with guys who are nice and didn't call me a cunt.

Unfortunately I live in a bit of a rough neighborhood which has a dedicated hooker stroll. I feel sorry for the girls who work my hood and wish they had better options and services to help them. But unfortunately to all the johns who travel neighborhoods like mine, every girl in a pair of heels and wearing lipstick is a hooker (actually I think they feel every girl is a hooker). I really hate this specific breed of jackass; they see women as nothing but sexual meat and treat all women like that.

This brings me to another point... Never EVER follow or make a sexual comment to a girl when she is alone at night. As females, we are always wary at night. We are constantly made to be afriad (through the media, etc) and you may think it's harmless but I assure you it is scaring the fuck outta her. And DO NOT grab or grope a women you do not know and do not have the permission to touch. Drive by feel-ups make us feel violated not sexy. And again it does not make us want to fuck you.

All right, all you lovely men out there who actually do think about how to respectively engage with women, you need to teach all the douche-bags out there that they are fucking it up for all men. You douche-bags are making women dislike and distrust you. Respect women, talk to them respectively, appreciate them (even compliment their sexiness but without the jackassery), respect that women have a right to dress how they want without your nasty comments or unwanted sexual contact, please love the women around you but do it with respect and kindness and you will actually get some of that tail you are eagerly chasing (and be sincere about it please!).

I apologize for the preachy, ranty nature of this post but damn it needed to be said. I love men and I want you all to get laid so please make a douche-bag you know read this and tell them to reform their douche-baggy ways!

Fuck the Flowers; Bring me the Candy!

2010-05-20T13:16:00.000-07:00

I am a proud Dessertitarian! I like sugar... correction... I love sugar! I would get naked and roll around in a big pile of sugar if I could. I would still trick or treat during my favorite holiday, Halloween, if it wouldn't mean getting chased off of people's porches at gunpoint because I am obviously not a five year old child. I would live on candy if it didn't mean dieing of a diabetic coma. And I know some of you out there are all like "I don't like sweet stuff. It's too sweet. Yuck." but you LIE! You know you do. You like sugar too and you certainly wouldn't turn down a sweet piece of pie if it was offered to you. We all love dessert whether we admit it or not. We don't care if it makes us fat, we want it anyways! I say fuck it! Be fat and happy and eat something you like! Go get a doughnut!

I prefer sweet to salty, tart or whatever the other flavor thingys are on your tongue (remember the taste-bud map that we all had our parents do most of the work on at some point in our childhood for an elementary school science fair held in the old gym that smelled like years of children's sweaty sneakers?). Anyways, my tongue is permanently stuck on the sweet setting. I wish I didn't have such a sweet tooth, but I do. I prefer fruit to veggies (and even the type of veggies I like the best are the sweeter ones like sweet red peppers and tomatoes); I like salad dressing that have a slightly sweet taste to it like strawberry vinaigrette, I'd rather have candy than popcorn at the movies, and I make honey/fruit sauces to cook meat in (best thing ever, dice an apple, mix it with a good quality grain mustard and honey, put it over your preferred pork product, slow bake in the oven... Fuckin' tasty, I tells ya).

Now, I do try to avoid high glucose corn syrup and refined sugar and stick to natural sugars, like raw cane sugar or honey but it can be hard to avoid the bad ones (which have direct links to the rise of diabetes in North America; countries that have never had these products and then had them introduced into their diets that were becoming Westernized find a dramatic increase in diabetes). High glucose syrup and refined sugar are in a lot of products you didn't even realize they were in. It's really hard to find candy made from raw cane sugar or honey in North America; the industry almost exclusively uses glucose syrup (which is unnecessary but cheaper). I have found some in natural food stores and they taste just as good but I still get sucked into buying candy that I loved as a child (remember those sugary cable things with a sugar paste in the middle?) especially around that time of the month. I try not too but it still happens.

By the way, honey is amazing. Actually anything from a bee is amazing. Honey never ever goes bad; it can last for centuries if it is stored properly and outside contaminants aren't introduced. They have found honey in tombs of the pharaohs in Egypt that were thousands of years old that was still edible (note: some cheap store brand honeys add chemicals and fillers to their honey that will make it go bad; natural filtered honey doesn't). Bee pollen contains 96 different nutrients and can help you build a resistance to allergies (as long as you are not allergic to bees). They have even found that bee venom (again if you are not allergic to it) can help with arthritis. Honey can even be applied to wounds as it has antibacterial and antiseptic properties and compounds with raw honey are now being used by conventional medicine to help deal with drug-resistant bacteria. Bet you didn't think you were gonna get a bee science lesson today, did you?

My grandfather owned an bee farm in Saskatchewan and ever since I was a child he sent us cases of lovely natural clover honey; I have never bought a jar of honey in my life. Unfortunately over the last few years my grandfather's health has deteriorated and he sold the farm because he could no longer maintain it. I am down to my last case of honey (which will hopefully last me a year or two) but I'm just not sure what I'm gonna do when it's all gone. I use honey on everything because I always have it; in my tea, baking, and cooking. I can't imagine paying for a jar of honey (especially the price of the good stuff because I couldn't stand to eat the crappy stuff after a life time of wonderful honey). I'm gonna have to budget for honey because I use so much of it. If I ever get a home that actually has a yard (novel when you live in a overcrowded city) I think I will investigate the possibility of getting a couple of my own bee hives and learn how to bee keep. We need more bees anyways. Bees are awesome.

I'm not sure how this blog turned into a rant about bees but it did. I obviously need an army of robot bees to do my bidding. Or maybe I just need to get more sleep.

Hilda

2010-04-27T12:38:00.000-07:00

I want to introduce you to someone who you may have seen appearing on my blog from time to time. This is Hilda:
Hilda is the creative brain child of Duane Bryers, who was a commercial artist and western theme painter from the 1950s onward. He painted around 250 of the Hilda pin ups which have been featured in Brown and Bigelow calenders since the 1960s. She has also been featured on playing cards, drink glasses and prints.

Hilda is a wonderfully playful curvy redhead who is charmingly goofy without spoofing the fact that she is a thick chick. I have been desperately searching for a calender or a collected book of Bryers' Hilda prints (if you know of one in print please let me know) but so far have had to settle for internet posted scans of his art.
What is amazing about Hilda is that while Bryers was painting these pin-ups, other pin-ups by other artists like Varga or George Petty were very popular. The pin-ups of other artists, however, tended to fit the thinner ideal of the 1950s bombshell (although those women were still curvier than today's beauty standard). Hilda, however, was plump and buxom. She was frequently in some adorable comical situation that made her extremely endearing while maintaining a cute attainable sexiness. Hilda is my absolutely favorite pin-up girl and while she may have not been quite as popular as Varga pin-ups, she was (and still is) popular in her own right and has certainly garnered a dedicated following of fans.
Bryers was a talented artist (I believe he is still alive but I'm not sure) who really brought the fun out of his subject. He employed plus-sized models and painted a number of the painting from memory or fantasy rather than using a model. You can find more out about Hilda and her creator at http://www.toilgirls.com/hilda.html which includes Les Toil's interview with Bryers and his collection of Hilda images. Les Toil is a talented artist as well who works with plus-size models and has collected really the only sources of information I have found about Hilda. I hope you enjoy this cute redhead as much as I do!

A Whole Lotta Love

2010-04-26T21:49:00.000-07:00

Corvetta Curves (which is me on the left with the corset skirt) and VaVa Vunderbust performing at the Cabaret of Copious Curves: a show the two of us put together to celebrate curvy women and men.

2010-02-05 - Copious Curves - 02 - Corvetta Curves and Vava Vunderbust from Helianthus Photography on Vimeo.

Oh My! She's Nekkid!

2010-04-21T11:47:00.000-07:00

I'll admit it. I'm a nudist a heart. As soon as I get home from work I start shedding clothing as I get in the door leaving a trail through the apartment behind me like a slightly more raunchy Gretel. My neighbor has caught me buck-naked a couple of times now as he peers around the edge of his balcony to look in my living room window (nosy bugger!). Of course, he never catches me sexy naked; say brushing my hair or wandering about the room in sexy stockings and heels like a play-boy bunny. Nope, he manages to catch my unflattering naked moments with my plate of toast balanced on one tit, my remote control on the other as my cat tries to crawl over my lap and upset the entire balancing act. This is why I bought better blinds...

Anyway, even though I'm heavy and us thick chicks are supposed to want to hide our fat it sure feels good to just let it hang-out. To let my body be free of all the wired, elastic, foundational garments I wear everyday. Don't get me wrong, I'm a bit of a fashion victim and I love love love corsets and dressing up in fun, tight slutty clothing but it also feels good to just get naked! I love nude beaches and swimming naked feels amazing (I'm lucky enough to live in one of the few Canadian cities that has a fantastic nude beach). I rarely wear clothing when I'm at home (one of the big reasons I live alone) and do my daily chores sans clothing all the time (just be careful cooking naked; that can get a little dangerous!).

My love of nudity is probably one of the reasons I feel comfortable doing burlesque and getting semi-naked on stage. It's fun to have a whole crowd of people cheering you on as you strip, which never happens when you strip in your own bedroom (well almost never ;). My nudist tendencies have also led me to posing nude for a few of my favorite and most trusted photographers. They have taken some beautiful photographs of my body in it's most vulnerable state.

I decided once I saw how lovely these photos looked that I was going to make a slightly hard and potentially damaging choice... I posted the photos on the internet. These are NOT pornographic photos but art nudes, however the nude female body is still stigmatized (especially thick bodies) and this decision comes with some potential issues. An employer could find these photos (all though being a public figure as a burlesque dancer already holds the risk of losing me potential jobs if the company was conservative enough), I could get a barrage of hate mail, and I'm opening myself up for criticism about my body and my choices.

HOWEVER, I decided to do it anyway. These photos were too beautiful to hide and I had them taken for a reason (one of the photos has appeared in a legitimate art gallery); I wanted to showcase a real female body untouched by cosmetic surgery, air-brushing, or shame. I figured if I inspired one chubby young woman out there to like her body just a little bit and to get some strength from my willingness to appear nude than why not? By posting these photos I have given them to the world and they have worked their way across the internet (I've found them posted on other people's blogs, message boards, etc) and I have received some fat-phobic negative comments from complete strangers. But I have chosen to ignore those few cowardly critical remarks from some moron hiding behind a computer screen and focus on the literally hundreds of positive remarks I have gotten telling me how wonderful I look, how amazing I am and how empowering it is that I was willing to do this.

So despite a few nay-sayers and narrow-minded jerks I think I will continue to live by my motto "If you don't like fat chicks, then go find a picture of Kate Moss and leave me alone!" as I will continue to eat my toast in the nude whether my neighbor likes it or not.

You can check out the photos if you want on my DeviantArt account (note: you have to have a DA account to see mature content photos)... http://corvetta-curves.deviantart.com/

10 Awesome Things About Being Curvy

2010-04-13T13:35:00.000-07:00

10. More cushion for the pushin'!

9. More jiggle in your wiggle.

8. More body space to tattoo.

7. You make a wonderful warm soft bed-mate.

6. Corsets look amazing on you!

5. If there is ever an apocalypse you can eat the skinny people.

4. You stay nice and toasty in the winter when everyone else is freezing.

3. Your body is a fantasy land and you should invite some special people to frolic on it!

2. The average dress size in North America is a size 14 so really you fit in with the rest of society just fine.

1. Two words: Big Boobs!

Jiggling for Justice

2010-04-06T16:13:00.000-07:00

There is not a piece of me anywhere on my body that does not jiggle. I am not a hard body; I am a soft body. Nothing on me 'juts' or 'cuts'; it is all round and curvy, I do not have hard angles. You can not see my ribs or my collarbone. I get the feeling when people hug me or cuddle up to me that I am much like your favorite overstuffed cushion. Squishy, soft and warm.

I jiggle when I walk. I jiggle like hell when I run. And I especially jiggle when I dance. I make a small side career out of jiggling on stage as a burlesque dancer. I am a jiggling wonder; it takes very little movement to get a serious jiggle going. Booty-clap? Totally easy... Breast-shimmy? Barely gotta move... Hip sway? Comes naturally!

Now, not everyone likes a jiggly girl. I understand that some of you prefer a 'hard body'; a body that does not jiggle or sway. A body that is akin to some sort of rock-like substance. I'm okay with this. It doesn't however mean that you need to be rude or cruel to your jiggly sisters (and brothers). If you don't like looking at fat chicks, well... Don't look at them! Doesn't mean you need to open your big yap and make your negative opinion known (something I think too many people feel they have a right to do these days). As my mother always said, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!

Furthermore, I have no problem with the non-jiggly section of humanity. I am often attracted to thin effeminate men but I feel no need to be mean to people who I am not attracted to. I really think that this day and age we could at least make an effort at accepting each other for who we are rather than putting each other down for our body types. I mean really, it's just kinda childishly stupid and shouldn't we be smarter than that? I am much more than simply a body; I do have a brain attached to all this jiggle (These Double D's have degrees!).

And truthfully, being cruel to me is not going to make me go away... It might make me want to sit on you and squash you but it will not make me go away. ;)

Hey Pal! My Eyes Are UP Here!

2010-03-26T13:22:00.000-07:00

For a society that dislikes fat chicks, it sure does love big tits! And guess what? Genetically speaking, big tits do not sprout on thin framed girls (at least not without a lot of surgical help usually).

I sprouted my knockers at the ripe old age of 9. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it was to be the only girl in a grade 4 class that had to wear a training bra? The teasing alone was enough to make me think breasts were a curse. If that was not enough by the time I was 13 I had double D's sticking out the front of me. So not only was I pudgy, weird, and too smart but I also had a physical trait that made me stand out even more as a target for cruel jokes and unwanted sexual advances from older men (ick!).

Well, I've ended up viewing my large jugs as a blessing and a curse. I do like them; I like how they billow out of my tops like cushy pillows (and believe me they are comfy to take a nap on! At least that's what I've been told by numerous partners); I like how they jiggle and swing when I'm dancing on stage; I love how they seem to defy gravity when I'm laced into a corset (I can take 4-5 inches off my waist suckas!); I like the admiration people have for them. However, the fact that many people (and I'm sorry boys, I love you but usually it's men who do this: a few bad apples ruin it for everyone) feel it's okay to make unwanted sexual advances, say lewd comments or just grope me in public because I have big bazoombas which I happen to like showing off.

And by the way, I frequently have no choice about the showing them off. They escape like criminals trying to make it over the wire from every top I have unless I wear a turtle neck (and even then I think they would find a way). I've nick-named them Harry and Houdini (Harry's on the right and Houndini's on the left) for their bra escape-artist capabilities. I could wear a damned parka and you can tell I still have giant knockers under there (I've totally had random strangers comment on them even though I was bundled in winter clothing; I though they were hidden, apparently I was wrong).

We are a culture obsessed with mammaries. As a good friend of mine once put it "I'm always happy to see a new set of boobs. Doesn't matter what they look like, it's just nice to see them." As a large breasted curvy girl, society may dislike my body but it will always have some kind of fascination with my funbags whether I like it or not.

The Amazing and Curvy Dirty Martini

2010-03-26T13:18:00.000-07:00

She is my hero!

The Cabaret of Copious Curves

2010-03-23T10:43:00.000-07:00

So after nearly a year of talking and dreaming about it, my burlesque partner-in-crime, the amazing VaVa Vunderbust, and I launched our own production company and our very first show. We named our production company "Built for Burlesque Productions," which, funnily enough was exclaimed by a lover the first time he got my clothing off ("you really are built for burlesque, aren't you?") and thus I ran with the tag line. After many, many lunch meetings and a lot of scheming we decided to call our event "The Cabaret of Copious Curves" and to dedicate it the larger than average beauty and talent of the burlesque scene (in other words, our show would focus only on self-identified plus-size performers).

We sent out our call for performers and had a flood of response (more than we could put in one show). Off and running we went, with months worth of work (on top of our day jobs), a hella lotta emails and a lot of panic. This was the second show I had produced (I produced the Gender Bender Blender for a professor I worked for which was a queer performance event that included transgendered, drag and burlesque performers) and the first VaVa had produced. We definitely had a trial by fire as we struggled with venue bookings, advertising and few hiccups and meltdowns but the day finally came...

...And it was amazing. We had an army of eager volunteers run by the indispensable Joanie Goyza who is insanely organized (and always has safety pins) and even catered a snack table backstage. And let me tell you, the vibe backstage was AMAZING! It was a sea of big breasts, big hips and empowered women (and a few men; our intrepid and eager boy-lesquers). Everything jiggled and we loved it. Nobody felt bad about their bodies that night and we stormed the stage like the pack of alpha-females we were.

The venue was nearly full to capacity and the audience was one of the most vocal, appreciative, enthusiastic audiences I have ever seen (and heard) at a burlesque show. And that's saying a lot; burlesque crowds are notoriously loud and rowdy. They let you know if they like what they see and I would say they loved what they saw on that stage that night. During the intermission and after the show I was bombarded with compliments and thank yous from the crowd members for helping produce such a body positive show. It seems like people are hungry for more body positive events (VaVa and I are hoping to run one or two events like this a year) and I think it's about time more events like this pop up and jiggle what we got in the face of mainstream fat-phobic society. I think we proved that night that all women are beautiful and vibrant no matter what size you are!

Performers:
Star Buxom
Franky Panky (boylesque hottie!)
Precious Metal
April O'Peel (voted Vancouver's favorite female comedian by the Georgia Straight)
Mina Bijou
Misty Knight
Peaches Flambe
Gilda Lovelace
Shaboobie Boobarella (from the Pink Flamigos)
Miss Noelle (hot from her performance at Shine: A Burlesque Musical)

Included special guest appearances from boylesque stars Chai Tea and Sex Luther

From Victoria's Cheesecake Burlesque:
Dollipop & Maya Papaya

Hosted by Morgan Brayton

Growing Up Fat

2010-03-22T20:06:00.000-07:00

I come from a long line of large women; we are powerful and empowered in our own way but negative body issues have always ran rampant in my life. My mother has long been a chronic dieter and bought me my first diet books and weight-loss pills. I was always a chubby little girl who soon turned into a chubby teenager which of course meant I had breasts and hips before the rest of my classmates. I always received mix messages about my body. I was sexualized early because of my large breasts but constantly made to feel bad about my weight and body.

By the time I was 17 I attacked aggressive weight-loss with vigor; starving myself, refusing to eat more than 3-5 grams of fat a day, exercising for hours everyday, and downing multiple kinds of diet pills. I reached the goal of being thinner for my high-school graduation (the thinnest I have ever been in my life) and I still felt fat.

Within my first couple of years of university I gave up the diet pills, the constant starvation and the extremely low fat diet but that mostly had to do with the fact that I was just too busy to keep it up and I had better things to do. I still hated my body and rapidly put back on all the weight I had lost in my late teens by my early 20s. I lost weight in times of horrible depression and put it on at other times of stress. My weight has often gone up and down having little to do with how much exercise or dieting I did.

I am still heavy as I reach 30 and still have negative body issues (I mean who doesn't in a culture so ridiculously focused on female bodies). However, I have found a community of strong body positive women in the local burlesque community. I have taken my clothing off on stage to adoring, screaming fans and felt invincible. I can not say that it does not hurt when someone does make a negative comment about my weight. Or if they focus strictly on my body rather than on the whole package (I do have a brain to go with this body). However burlesque has become my saving grace and I am constantly in awe of the amazing women I am surrounded by who are accepting of all body types and talents. Slowly, but surely, I am working towards being happy with my body and ignoring the fat-phobic negative society around me but it is always a committed battle. I am out there fighting the good fight with my sisters in arms (and tummy rolls)... <3